TEN STAGES OF GRIEF
The grieving process must occur within the heart of the mourner. It cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the most difficult pain you'll ever experience. What is happening to you is of all things, natural. That knowledge will not lessen your pain, or minimize your grief, but it may give you courage; when possible, give yourself up to it. This is the only way healing can begin.
SHOCK
Some never go through a prolonged stage of shock and are able to express their emotions immediately. Others will say “I feel numb”, and no emotions or tears come. Sometimes, there is denial. Gradually, the bereaved become aware of what has happened and they are able to cry and show their emotions.
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
One begins to feel and to hurt; many people begin at this point. It is good to cry in grief. If one does not express this emotion, it will be displayed in some other form – on the physical or emotional level. Some people need to be induced to cry. This is particularly true of men, as our culture makes many men feel uncomfortable to cry.
PREOCCUPATION WITH THE DECEASED
The bereaved may try to think of other things but find they are unable to shift their mind from thoughts about the deceased person. Quite often a widowed person continues to feel married for an extended period. This is normal.
SYMPTOMS OF SOME PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESSES
These distresses may come in waves, some lasting from 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are:
-Sleeplessnes
-Tightness in the throat
-Choking, with shortness of breath
-A need to sigh
-Empty, hollow feeling in the stomach
-Lack of muscular power (e.g. “the food tastes like sand”)
Certain emotional alterations are closely associated with physical distresses; the most common are:
-Slight sense of unreality
-Feeling of emotional distance from people – that no one really cares or understands
-Sometimes people appear shadowy or very small
-Sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self-destruction, or the desire to run away or “chuck it all”.
These emotional disturbances may cause many to feel that they are approaching insanity. These feelings are normal.
HOSTILE REACTIONS
There is often a disconcerting loss of warmth in relationships and a tendency to respond with irritability and anger. These feelings are surprising and inexplicable to the bereaved. This often makes the bereaved feel they are going insane. Anger may be directed at the Doctor, Nurse, God or the Minister (who is a representative of God). Often too, there may be feelings of hurt or of hostility towards family members who do not, or for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support the bereaved person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal.
GUILT
There is most always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have or should have, but did not do. They accuse themselves of negligence. Furthermore, if a person was hostile toward the deceased, there will be guilt. The more hostility, the greater the guilt. It is important to note that no two people can live together without some form of hurt occurring. Hurt occurs in grief. Guilt is normal.
DEPRESSION
Many bereaved feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little or no family. These feelings are normal.
WITHDRAWAL
The bereaved tend to withdraw from social relationships, and most likely their usual daily routines are disrupted. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal.
THE BEREAVED BEGINS TO RE-ENTER RELATIONSHIPS
Time and ventilation of feelings will finally produce a better situation. All of a sudden, light shines through the gloom and darkness of despair and life comes into focus. The person readjusts to his/her environment in which the deceased is missing, and forms new relationships.
RESOLUTION AND READJUSTMENT TO REALITY
This gradually comes, but the scar is still there. There will come times when cycles of grief will overcome the person, and there be emotional outbursts. This is normal.
To move through these ten stages, it is necessary for the bereaved to express their tears, their anger, their guilt, and their despair. The biggest obstacle in moving through the process to the ninth and tenth stages is that many people try to avoid the intense pain that is involved in the process. Therefore, it is important to vent all one's feelings during grief. When you do begin to emerge on the other side, to take dim interest in things outside of yourself, you will not be the same person. You might not believe it now, but you will be better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
780.532.2929, www.oliversfuneralhome.com.
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